Fun with drugs #1

sayarsan's picture

Not long after i started smoking pot i found myself sometimes when very stoned and with my eyes shut, forgetting completely where i was and how i got there. The initial few times i immediately opened my eyes and found out my circumstances but after a while, since there was no anxiety or distress associated with the feeling, i began keeping my eyes shut while i retraced back through my mind until i reached my present location and only then would i open my eyes to verify and always correctly. Sometimes it might take several minutes and the longer the better. It still happens occasionally and is always fun. I would recommend it but wonder if anyone else has had a similar feeling. I find that the state of mind is very similar to the meditative state but have never achieved it without pot. I think in future instead of retracing my way out i will stay as long as possible.


sayarsan's picture

After thinking a few times about what it might be like to stay indefinitely in such a state i've realised i probably am in one for real with no drugs and i'm laughing to myself that this could be permanent. I'm laughing because I don't believe it is but how do I know? For the best part of a year i've been like Walter Bishop just after release from his incarceration. A spectator, a hapless individual who is trying to piece together what the hell is going on. Waiting for an explanation that isn't arriving or enjoying the sense of expectation rather than asking "Where am i?". My eyes are already open. Maybe i'm in some delusion because my mind has worked it all out ages ago and is being kind to me by keeping me in ignorance. Like the sensation of numbness that comes with a fracture, third degree burns, or a sudden tragic death. That kindness is really an opportunity to take emergency action in event of a life threatening situation not an opportunity to grin like a fool. That i'm probably somewhere really familiar after all so it hardly bears thinking anyway keeps occurring to me. The answer has been here all along but in this game i have to be sure. A few times i have tried to get a clue here and there but clues don't come simply from deductive work. They come in time and are never rushed so i've been spending 15 years or longer waiting. Like a blind person alone in a room with a strange object. Several blind people with an elephant doesn't cut it. They are talking while i am incommunicado. This is Interzone.