My birthday.
Internet disconnected.
No money for lunch save a $2 sushi roll. I went to Coles to spend $1.55 on a Breaka Iced Coffee. It had gone up to $1.60, so I had to give up on that idea.
Dinner with parents. Scored at 2am after an hour's messing around with M. Woke up groggy, after five hours (again) of thwarted fumblings.
As usual on my birthday I convinced myself that this year S would relent, would say "I've not been sleeping with you as a test, that test is over". Or some such equally fatuous nonsense.
But no. Birthday or no, twice was i pushed away.
I came home from my parents and faced the usual choice:
Tell S what I feel, and make myself feel like the most pathetic human on earth - "I don't want to see you tonight because you haven't slept with me for seven years".
OR
Say nothing, let S make her own mind up on what is wrong, engendering bad feeling.
Opted for choice two as usual. S pissed at me, sent pissed off text. SO what is all I can feel. She texted me at work on my birthday asking me to chase friends for money. I gave up responding to her sms at lunch, not helping the situation.
Car is outta petrol, so it's the bus for me tomorrow.
Not sure what the purpose of a birthday is. Not sure what the purpose of much is. Would love to say I won't score again but tomorrow S gets paid and will ring me asking me to shop.
How do I get the strength to say no?