Life confusing but somehow more understandable stoned.  saw doc this arvo for another month's metro script, she said the best words i have heard this last six weeks.  In response to me telling her of the end of a six year relationship due to gabo, she said "That must be hard".

Simple words but the best I can think of.  that's what makes her the best doctor, that's why i go back, and that's why she has succeeded where Qld Health failed for 8 years.  she gives a damn and she thinks before she talks.  Where Biala or Peel St would always just say "Put your dose up to 100mg" in response to any negative news, she listens to what I say, sympathises if needed, fires me a script of valiums and helps me through it.  No massive dose increases, no reverse psychology tough love bullshit, just help.  A good doctor is worth their weight in gold.

So i went down for a drive to a place called Mt French, a kilometre south of Boonah, on Sunday.   Lovely flat-topped mountain with views of the "Scenic Rim".   Hundreds of cycads, or perhaps palm trees, better known as blackboys but that word's politically incorrect so I use the wrong name...anyway, they were beautiful, I had the beautiful S unit by my side, we walked through a mist-hgrey sea of dead trees, I got up on a mound and could see her head bobbing amongst the mists...beautiful.   Silence, beauty, what more is needed.

Then as we returned to the poisonous city, the car died, alternator gone, and we had to get towed by a tow truck (that kept breaking down) from Gailes to Red Hill.  Scored whilst awaiting tow truck, good old gabo, delivered anytime any place if you got the cash.  Ripped off as usual, dealer took 1/3 of the q, so we went halves in 2/3 of a q and got nothing.  first shot with the S unit in 2months i guess as she'd been clean these 6 weeks and the 2 weeks pre-clean i wasn't using. we did it one at a time in dealer's car with the other holding tow truck driver at bay.  The childish naughtiness of gabo returns instantly...

And then again tonight, a forty pack between two, knowing it'd do nothing, S getting v angry, at dealer for ripping us, at me for doing it, but mostly at herself for letting herself be drawn back to me through gabo.  I half-seriously had joked earlier that I could ruin her life with money by buying lots of gabo and getting her back into it.  And I knew this was a possible choice of futures.  But as i also said, i would feel pretty low doing something like that.

Best stick to my plan of fattening her up and shaving her head and eyebrows before she moves out so she isn't so darned attractive to the opposite sex.   If only she was ugly I could forget her easier (maybe???)  

had to pay $50 bucks to the medical practice for missing an appointment yesterday due to no car.   this costs more than the actual appointment ($45)...and Medicare refunds none of it.  S was v pissed at me before "for letting people walk over me".  She says she isn't going to stand back and watch it anymore.  I said that she shouldn't fool herself that that was why she was leaving, as the first 6 weeks of my cleanliness I had more self esteem than all the years before - I negotiated a work contract etc, did heaps of self shit....I am just low atm coz of abandonment, and hence not caring about being stomped all on.

Life confusing, but loving getting clean after every shot.  crazy, like life.