Devil's Number, devilled days.
It always seems to be June that my relationship with S falls apart. Two years ago I was in the same boat, precipitated by my withdrawing supply of gabo to her. That came together again after i resumed supply of dope. Over the two years nothing changed, neither of us were fooled and I was too weak to throw her out apart from the odd reference to her exiting. Maybe it all built up and last week, Friday, she announced after her Fri night session at the Melbourne Hotel that she was moving out. I agreed and next morning set off to pares to ask for temporary residence. S started crying as I drove her to Indooroopilly and jumped outta the car at West End.
Gabo brought us back together as we were offered that rarest of gems, tick.
But nothing has changed. I love her and she loves me not. I have written this so many times taht I feel nothing saying it anymore. On some level I believe it all punishment for the way I ended things with Lora back in 1995. She loved me, I pushed her away. I lied about my feelings for her, so confused from constant withdrawal and reintroduction to smack that i barely knew how i felt about going on living let alone a woman who loved me for what I saw as my flaws.
Anyway, now it's S's turn to lie to herself and that's something she needs to do I guess. I will not see her again after she moves about, I guess the odd phone call will be unavoidable at work but I have had much practice this last three years pushing friends away (DQ, Sly, Sal), so whilst it'll hurt to exclude Sim, it'll mean less long term pain.
I know the danger will be to avoid returning to what I do whilst alone. I have grown very tired of this continued broke existence, so I fear I will not be able to resist returning to risk. The only difference between when I have succeeded in that business and when I have failed is S's level of control over me - my inability to say no to someone I thought loved me.
I will not be surprised if in 2 months I am back to being stressed about cops at the door, going to bed barricading. But it will make S's exclusion bearable, so maybe I can excuse it on the grounds of necessity.
The conversion to Phoenix at work takes a lot of my time. I come home tired, thinking about work stuff. This is good. Less time to brood on her departure.
Should I renew my old friendships post-S? I mean, if I'm going back to Mr Evil, Jack, where is the loss in catching up with some demi-demons as well?