So after a long night where i dropped s down to West End purportedly to chase up job offers, for a coupla hours, then i get an email saying she doesn't want to ring me then i fall asleep and wake at one am, s not home, ring her, she's at the casino with some boy/s i've never met but it's all cool coz one's a christian. whatever. gets home an hour later, angry at me as ever, although apparently i am the one who is always angry. anyway, in the morn i pack 2 sets of clothes and make my peace with leaving torbreck for a while. at 530pm i get the contrite call "Are u coming home" i say i don't feel like coming home for a while there seems 2 be no point i may as well stay away until she's gone but sim wants me to come home so we can talk. i agree, but hafta go to pares first to drop off some flowers coz mum fell the other day and got stuck between the loo and linen cupboard for 1.5hrs whilst dad was out, which upset her of course. i guess i chose a bad time 2 go there, dinnertime, mum with flu and feeling vulnerable, dad feeling worn out/guilty for not being there, more guilt for those who thrive on the stuff i guess. anyway i guess i shoulda played it low key but i went for full disclosure - 45k mortgage, $300 parking tickets paid on weekend etc. i missed the bit about how s has suddenly realised she doesn't love me now that i can't supply opiates. i did mention that i had been clean for 8 weeks. mum said "u shoulda gone to the buttery". Butter your ass. I repeated "I have been clean for 8 weeks which is more clean time than I have had in 15 years.". Dad says "r u still taking the methadone? Do u need money for the methadone?" AAAAAAAAAAAAAGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGQ! fu** it. We are so alone. so alone. i cannot communicate with my pares. i am a semaphore-wielding Latvian Encrypted Signals corp sergeant waving my signal boards at a satellite dish in an attempt to pass info with all - pares, sim, co-workers. i can connect with noone. this is y i take dope. not for the feel but for the way it makes me not give a damn that we're all just milling about hopelessly waving our arms in the air and avoiding each others eyes. I came to Torb tonight "to talk " about "our issues" with sim. no luck there. i was in a foul mood, sim put up a brave front and dealt with it for a whiile b4 retiring to sewing. woohoo shit just hit the fan! don't mention that muff issue boy she canna handle the truth without flying off at the handle