Using is not good for me at the moment. and by "at the moment" i mean the last 15 years or so.
I just had the most beautiful lady I have ever met and had the blessed fortune to give me a part of her heart, walk out of my flat and possibly my life, for various reasons. One was that I was stoned, tonight, although I knew she was coming over, although I had not planned it that way. Too mnay althoughs. The excuses of a junkie as always.
She's confused, but she's smart enough to know that two junkies don't add up to a life. I am at a point where I must decide "Do I give up gabo to take the chance of getting back together with her", or do I go hardcore into using until I end up in jail. She certainly does not promise anything as simple as giving up gabo will mean restoration of the relationship.
I know it sounds like a no brainer, but to a junkie of 15 years it's a difficult decision. I could give up using, and all the pain that entails, all the emotional torture, only to have it topped off by further rejection by S at the end of it - "Well, it wasn't really the gabo at all, I was just over you".
But she was here tonight, she cried, I cried, we held each other more tonight than we had in the last year.
She talked of how we had just been hurting each other for the last few years, and she was miserable. I tried to convince her that all relationships were like this, but i didn't believe it myself. I knew that the lack of sex for 5 years had embittered me towards her. I knew that a beautiful thing had been twisted up by this distance between us. Maybe I just want to believe that we can get back together again, and maybe I am not looking at the reality.
The poor woman is scared witless by some medical issues, I want to help but she can't let herself let me help. She puts so much energy into holding me away, she has little time to look after herself. She wolfed down fruttata tonight, a meal she normally wouldn't eat. She hasn't slept for a week, which is natural coming off gabo.
But isn't taking the risk of rejection the only choice available to a human? To not use, offer yourself and see what choice the other person makes. And if she rejects me, it's not all waste, I will have improved myself. I will work out at the gym, improve my physique, my self esteem.
I will have to cast off those who would hold me back, those who want me to use with them and deflate with them. Though I love them, now is not the time to associate with them.
I hope to revisit this journal entry in a year and see the first steps on my most successful journey. I cannot face another broken dream.