I keep a tight leash on my soul...
later, 308pm.
An afternoon of bad decisions. Scored, not for S, not because a friend encouraged me, just because I was bored. I made a list of tasks to do, and I slept in till 10am so there wouldn't be too much free time. Free time leads to gabo.
But I did the tasks, all the possible ones, and the iPod I thought I was picking up is not going to be ready for a week or two yet. So I had a couple of hundred dollars spare. I rang mumbler, I scored. It's simple like that. Having no S means I have twice as much gear as usual, I get quite stoned, I recover slower, I fall harder.
Purchased The Grates 3 song EP CD "Science is Golden". Also Cat Powers "The Covers Record". Went to work 4-7pm to work on WCHS GL. Thought about S constantly, except in short interim after a shot. Crying for the girl, filming my blatting, snapping my tears. Why? I need a record of this pain perhaps. But she's been gone 5 weeks now. Should I still cry?
I tell myself that this is the first weekend without her. That it was my first harshness, SMSing her on Thursday to say "Can't make it this weekend". So cold, thought I was doing the right thing, gabo has me wanting to send SMS apologising, begging, retreating.
But I know she loves me not. To apologise means she will get a q out of me, hang for an hour then disappear for another week. I'd be better off seeing a hooker.
******
stoned, nodding, half a gram today, half a gram yesterday. I could just about afford to do this every day but to what end? Permanently blocking out pain is attractive but it permanently blocks out everything else. Emotionally I don't know what age I am but it isn't my body age of 35.
i hope S is growing strong this weekend, her first w/o gabo (unless she's onto a new source, through DQ perhaps). Oh mindfuck, if only I could feel for S only what she feels for me I am sure life would be much easier.
....hours later, 1120pm, doctor who just finished, state election night, missing S palpably, head entertaining multifarious fantasy scenarios, her returning saying it was all a test, she's found out she really loves me.
gotta get to sleep. these late night stoned sessions on the PC help noone but gabo salesmen...