"I will miss you" I said.

"I need to have a sleep" she said, meaning "don't fucking touch me during the night.  All night.  And turn away from me so your snoring doesn't disturb me too much".

This is our goodnight.   Perhaps I think too much of the chances of one of us dying before we catch up again, or maybe I'm just crazy.

So S heads off to her sis' place 2moro, mebbe.  that's if the old hound that got bit by tick yesterday is well enough to enable its owner to leave w/o too much guilt.  or maybe if it dies really quickly and she can use the trip away to get over the grief, I don't know.  Anyway, it all may be off, Mr S may come n stay for a night or two with S, maybe not, I may be allowed to stay Sat- Mon, or maybe not, it's all a bit chancey.

But it's all not too soon.  Gabo has a strong foothold in the flat.  Today, four quarters amongst us, $400 gone, for a feeling we didn't need a month ago.  So quickly it reasserts dominance in your emotional life.  I thought perhaps all those stoned years I had learned a little about self assertiveness, I thought that w/o the gabo I could still carry off the tricks I learnt under gabo of projecting a strong self image ....but as the following story shows....

We order a lamb korma (mild) and a spinach n cheese Parattah(?) from local curry house, and have done so weekly for ages.  Not long after I stopped using 24/7 (as they say nowadays), the women management were taken over by men management.  And with this change, getting the plainly stated on the takeaway menu 10 per cent off for takeaway became a difficulty.

As a straight boy, I came to dread coming in for the confrontation.  Every week, it would be one of the same 3 men who would ring up the price of the meal and say "$16.90 please" .  I would grit my teeth and mumble

"Less ten per cent for takeaway makes $15.20".

Sometimes it'd be as simple as this, but more often than not i would have to point to the menu where it states it, counter some pathetic argument and then skulk out of the shop feeling like Ali Baba, to cross my cultural references.  Of course, after being "granted" the ten per cent discount, I would never have the temerity to ask them to sign the "loyalty" card, which gives you every sixth meal for free, and which had proven very handy in the darkest of junk days. So in effect I would miss out on a further 16 per cent discount as it was every sixth meal free.

But tonight, with gabo controlling the masque I projected to the world, I simply marched in, pointed out he'd missed the discount, and handed him a biro to sign my loyalty card.  I totally ignored his disdainful hisses, which I know if I had been straight would've reduced me to a lower than scum feeling.

So it shows that gabo has not passed on any lessons.  I am only assertive under the influence.  W/o it I revert back to the 19 y.o. who had never taken gabo and who was scared of his shadow.   So much for the millions invested in the hope of a better personality.  If reincarnation works, I'll invest in biomodification next time.  At least you can see the results quickly.

C'est la vie.