Putting the bad stuff on paper. Surgery of emotions, without the anaesthetic formerly known as skag. Getting the hurt out and into the ether so it doesn't fester and rot inside me. But I feel it's too late.
It's Day One again, the I-don't-know-how-many Day Ones of the year so far, I've got a spreadsheet somewhere but it would only serve to depress me right now.
Day Ones are never good. It takes only a simple phrase from S inresponse to me asking her toassist in buying some clothes sometime soon to throw me into a fugue that makes me want to text her and tell her to never darken my doorstep again.
All she said was "I can't help u thi sweekend...I'm housesitting for Mercy this weekend...um, just sometime in th next few weeks ok?"
I'm sure she had her motivations for her response. Not wanting to appear too interested would have been one, perhaps she really isn't that interested, perhaps she is interested but is forcing herself to distance gehrslef from me. Who knows?
But I think of the times I sat at home waiting for her to ring so I could pick her up from the Lizard, Mondial, the Caoitol, in five minutes. I waited for her to ring. Now me and her won't be catching up for "a few weeks". It does my head in, and with no valid reason. I have to let her go. She's made it clear she's not interested in me - "we can be friends and do friend things but I don't want you getting the wrong idea".
I guess having to wait 3 weeks to be with her for an hour reinforces the right idea, that I'm only a friend.
****
I see pretty girls everywhere. But they don't shine like S. Maybe over time S's shine wil turn to sheen, then fade away. BUt that depresses me more than anything, that one person's shine can be substituted for someone else's given time.
Why did she do it? Last night she said we were just making each other miserable....nowhere near as miserable as today, as yesterday, as everyday since she said she was going.
I really want to stop using, to quit poisoning myself and then going through the next day despair. The only way I want to use is if I can do it every day, all day. Screw this now and then lifestyle.
Saturday I dance with the devil. It's sad because I know that by meeting him I am throwing away anything I might have with S. And I don't know if it'sthe realistic part of me or the junkie part of me (or are they the same person?) that tells me no matter what sacrifices and changes I make for her, she doesn't have what I need in a woman, for whatever reason she cannot give.
so at this stage, Thurs arvo 607pm, I am choosing the devil over love. And the valium I took a minute ago helps still my tears. I think I'll watch the Bukowski doc, remind myself of that bluebird in his sould that he keeps quiet with alochol and cigarettes.
Things can only get better, I hope.
Radiothon is on, maybe I will go there on Saturday, subscribe, try to regain lost energy and hope. S says go to africa, doesn't she realise she took all the Africa out of me?
****
Every song I listen tell is telling me about my current situation. Is this always happening and we only tune in when emotionally bereft. Is taht the role of music in society?
"I could say to you, I could wait for you, but I really don't know, if I've got the time" - Bailter Space, NZ early 90s band