Told the be-atch to fuck off again last night. By SMS. But she was around at 11am, asking for metro.
She has been fairly honest since she left, perhaps the time she told me she was home and it turned out she was in Matt's flat was not so honest.
So why ditch the bitch?
I said earlier that i did not want to be a friend with her after she left.
She left, and she has hung around here, spending my pay, getting me to score for her, but not stretching the definition of friendship. she would come when she wanted to come, stay when she wanted to stay. it was one way. there was no question that i could ever stay at her place, turn up there unannounced and crash the night. no.
she was getting what she wanted by presenting an appearance of something more than friendship. she didn't have to fuck, all kisses were on the cheek, but she stayed overnight and hid Matt in the background.
a lie. distasteful, painful and contributing to my deteriorating world view. I don't like thinking badly of the world, it leads to thinking negatively of continued existence.
So now, if she comes over i do not talk to her - she was here an hour and a half ago to get some gabo that i scored with my last 50 bucks. i turned my back to her. I cannot handle looking at her, a woman I had once believed loved me. A woman who was just using me as a machine to score gear.
As she went to leave tonight after ten minutes (she'd got her gear, time to return to those who give her the other things she wants) she asked if i would even say bye to her. i said 'bye' and she said bye. then she left.
it'll be hard to stay away, but i need someone in my life who cares for me. to whom i am not just another friend, like matt owen and the other phucks. Lora loved me, however briefly, and today i still wear her ring. that kinda feeling i would like to find again.