Do you really want me to talk? To say what I feel. Or would it sound like guilt?
I would like it to come out like an Arcade Fire hit single, "and we remember the bedrooms of our friends", but it'd come out more like "...I always expected you to be there to support me when things got bad for me, like when the tax office comes and takes my flat and work finds out coz the ATO have requisitioned all my invoices to them. I didn't want to be coming home to an empty hole at those times. I thought that if I did things for you, then you'd do things for me. Simple, like that."
If it doesn't work out like that would I ever do it again? Would I ever put myself in a situation where I give to a person who gives no indication of giving back. Maybe that was my mistake. Not exiting at the first demonstration of inability to care. But then wouldn't I have felt like a quitter? Like someone who gives up at the first hurdle?
Was there no way to work to a happy ending? I imagine there were a thousand ways. A thousand times I could have done something other than what I did. And although I can see the times I was cold and distant I also thought I was always screaming my love if only through my emotional reaction to you. I loved you always. Am I to take it that that counts for nothing? That in a relationship it is one person's happiness that counts, never the partnerships? That there is never a joining, a dual-purpose, a combining of lives. Is it really always each for themselves just taking what they like as they see it and turning away from the bits they don't like.
Or am I missing a bigger picture message here somewhere? Is it all a cosmic punishment for my coldness to Lora post my 1995 arrest? Does the mistake of a kid thinking he is protecting the one thing he loves get translated ten years later into a woman killing off the one things she loves, telling herself this is the only good thing she can do for him. As if being with him wasn't all he needed. As if knowing that she was there wasn't all his dreams realised.
Maybe I have to experience the otherside of every mistake I made. Maybe I have to buy a packet for every one I ever sold.
But I don't believe so. I believe you are making a mistake but I don't want to say this out loud. Why not? Why can i notsay what I think and write? Does voicing something really make it any different from other expression modes? Why do I feel that I should do nothing to stop the only thing I want to stop. Is it self-destructiveness? I think so, the same self destructive ness that is leading you away.
I thought I was passing all the tests set for me. I thought I had done better than BL, who had faced summary (emotional) execution for kissing another girl all those years ago. Was he denied your touch for as many years as I have been before he broke. Is that what you want from me? To err, to become failing in your eyes, even though a result of your actions and even though it was your subliminal self destructive wish that I fail?
It's too much. I cannot come home to this.