140209

Okay, so that was my Valentines Day.

In a week of direct debits coming in to my account, being bounced, me telling the debiter to send it again, it being bounced again, I guess I should not have been surprised that my Valentines Day would end in the usual frustrating repetitiveness in bed.

I have just come home at 1230am. I stupidly went to S' house with her, despite her having given me an out earlier - "You could just stay here if you want?"

I guess that question gives her reinforcement that she is needed when I say no, I'll go there. But it's still a question, and one I need to learn to say no to.

But when I am stoned, I say yes. As a stoned fool I have this incredibly idiotic optimism that tonight things will change with her. That tonight she'll say she wants to sleep with me.

Its the same species of idiotic optimism that allowed me to take out my last $120 earlier tonight to go and score, despite knowing I have nothing to see the chemist with on Monday, nothing for food until Tuesday.

And S is chasing me for $4 change from a pack of cigarettes I bought her whilst out spending my last $120 on gear for her and me. The $4 fell out of my pockets in these stupid shorts I have, so now I am in the bizarre position of being flat broke and being chased for $4 I owe to the person I gave $60 worth of gear to a few hours ago, thus sending me broke.

I know she will use the $4 and her other cash to buy us food in the next day or two, but I'd really rather just not have the ironic stress of looking for money I 'owe' her.

Anyway, this week also marked a changing point in S and I's relationship - the only relationship we have these days is the relationship of avoiding talking about lack of intimacy.

Put briefly - no sex for seven years. The first few years, 2002-2004, the reason she gave was "You are not passionate, you are selfish, a bad lover etc.". These responses of hers were sufficient to stifle further inquiry from me for three years and hence nothing more needed to be said.

S moved out of our flat in July 2006 , after six months of her sleeping head to toe. It was pretty nasty I remember.

Once she'd moved out, the reason for our lack of fucking became physical, no longer any psychological/emotional explanation. She had some unspecified complaint down there, I had ignored her cries of pain the last time we'd done anything, didn't I remember? How could I not have noticed. Doctors were consulted maybe twice between 06 and 08. Nothing found, specialists recommended, nothing ever got booked. The maximum information I ever was told, and this was told in a highly angry state, was that there was much pain.

Now this week, in February 2009, somehow we are back to an emotional issue being the cause again. A few weeks ago she did state that she had all these "childhood issues" that caused her to be messed up these days.

Then this week she said - whilst telling me that I have reminded her about her lack of sex every day for the last seven years - that the issue was not going to resolve, that she just did not want sex "because there was something wrong with her". And she wasn't talking about physical issues anymore.

So I don't know what I have learned these last seven years. I guess I have learned that no matter how cerebral you want to be about it, males have a basic need for sex that no emotional attachment can overcome. In fact it worsens it, in my opinion. A monk in a monastery would not have the nightly frustration of sleeping next to a warm female body and then having that body roll away and build a wall of pillows if he started intimacies, to put it clinically.

I said tonight to S that I have to stop using so "I can finish this"

"Finish what", she said.

"Us. This." I said.

I am sorry if this hurt her, but I suspect she relies on gabo being all that is needed to perpetuate this relationship. That there is no need for her to work on emotional issues that are tearing me up inside as I will weaken everytime I use and go back to her.

So far she has been correct, but if history is any teacher, no state stays stable

for ever.

Things fall apart.
The centre cannot hold.

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