I no longer have any faith in the power of people/conditions to change.
I guess from a systems viewpoint all systems tend towards stability - stability is a state of affairs with minimum change. So people as they get older want to change less and less, it's easier to stay the same way as long as they can.
The only hope I can see is for me to meet new people, those who have not set into a solid state of repetition and inactivity yet.
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I like "going out" with S though, don't get me wrong. She makes me hate my body, which reminds me of my childhood, which is comforting.
Sometimes I look in the mirror and think that when I am 50 I'll be dreaming of having a body like I have now, pain free, functioning, senses working (overtime). But then I think of S and I cringe n turn away from the mirror.
Funny old life.