So I'm house sitting (unpaid somehow) a grand U shaped modern house in an estate at The Gap (west Brisbane, at teh foot of Mt Nebo).  My co-worker is off overseas for a week.  maybe i'll get my shit together there i tell myself.   timing's good - main dealer's just pulled the plug because my meager offering's of half my weekly wage didn't make it worth her while, and my other option involves some crotchety people and a 3 hour round drive to a little creek north of caboolture.  i've done it twice, but more importantly, i haven't done it once, when i could have -  i sat and sweated all the queens birthday long weekend with my mobile phone direct debit in my ATM-accessible Suncorp account.  instead i watched crap telemovies and climbed the walls.  had visions of suicide in the burbs, woke to dead sounds of no city this far from the solar plexus of brisbane.  drove 8 km at night to find a baskin robbins shut.   realised i'd forgotten how sugar dependent i was, how my totally foul morning mood was a symptom of that charming little hypoglycaemia.  watched more movies, slept on uncomfortable couches as the continuing saga of she who i  love but cannot fuck continued, read will self about men growing vaginas, went generally insane in the head, watch Pussy Bompadero get whacked (finally) in Season 2 sopranos finale.

sms'd old jack boy, he rang back, didn't know who i was, then went cool (did he?) when he did realise (first he thought i was someone called brendan....i am beginning to remember how that "fucked up in love with one who doesn't love u" scene works).  then s tells me he's had her number all along, so it's not like we've been outta touch.  and why would i want that evil fuck anywhere near my life anyway?  all part of the general being fucked in the head thing.

but i'm telling myself it's all part of a great beginning.  new locale (well temporarily) new absence of dealers, like the days when Jani's insanity was finally too much to bear, i have no easy choices.  i've cut off, castrated say, dq and sly.   they made it easy but expensive.  well dq did, sly made it v painful.  my mum asked how they were the other day, i told her laughingly that dq and i had grown apart and that sly was totally insane.  she said nothing, i guess she has a right to be happy with that news.

so where to from here?  back to the gap for now to the cold house and 2 cats, by myself this time as s has to TAFE etc 2moro.  my head is still fucked up badly from the whole non-sex thingy and only when alone in a house can i get a restful night's sleep, couches don't cut it for me anymore at 34.

words continue to pour outta me but i gotta go.  learning flash mx and website design (from books, TAFE too exy for a worker like me), but kinda sorta happy i guess,