140906

(Thursday morning 1230am, really Wednesday night)

Some notes I made without expanding, sorry to my extensive readership.

just drove 70k for 16.5 mg metro,
just had a girl over for dinner, first guest since S.
discussed with her what were the good points of S, and for me they all related back to S of 1998/1999.
why did i not act upon her change (when she went from stripey sock girl to the Sportsgirl/reality TV woman)
will i never speak with S again? is that so bad? did she ever show care towards me?
Sly is having best conversations ever now he's in arthur gorrie R&R and ice free.

Thursday evening, 11pm-ish

Normally I would have done two diary entries, as I wrote one last night and now I write another. Append an addendum sounds nice but it isn't the truth, because they are separate text files (well early one, before they are born again in His light as a little dot A S P baby). So do I stick with the truth and its unfortunate wording, or do I lie and use the cool alliteration?

Sometimes it seems like the above. You are faced with a problem and the only solutions are both not palatable. For example, me recently, finishing an eight year relationship with the S word, what was I to do? She was the one who instigated the finish, by the way.

I defined the problem as follows.

THE PROBLEM

I am 35 years old going on either 42 or 22, depending on how much gabo I have been using. For the last eight years I have been living in a flat with a girl three years my junior. Despite my oft-stated belief that I should "never go out with a junkie", I did exactly that in August of 1998.

Being financially well-off when we moved in to the flat I still live in, I started paying for all bills - food, utilities, entertainment and gabo. She still worked for time to time, waitressing and bar work. Her income was probably around 1 tenth of the street value of gabo she took. But she paid for her other main addiction, nicotine, mainly because it was one I did not share.

When the 2001 shortage of gabo hit, I went from well to do to well done. All savings I had, around 50k, went in a couple of months. I did some stupid things at the Financial Institution I was working at. I took some stupid risks. One the two craziest risks I took, S would have no part. But for all the mundane stupidities, the borrowing and deception, S was totally behind me like any good junkie wife. I got so tired and depressed from the routine of what I was doing that I would not have been able to manage to go out and source funds some nights without her. She was never the overtly violent type, but she certainly had a simple routine of amping up the anger and threats if she thought that there was a way I could get cash (therefore gabo) and I wasn't doing it.

She would never do the above for cash for herself, e.g. if she wanted a pretty dress and we were broke, she wouldn't dream of pushing me to do a scam. It was a junkie thing, but it was bad enough. I'm sick of making excuses for her..."She never contributed anything to the relationship financially because I always earned more than her".... "She contributes nothing to the relationship physically because I am an unattractive person" etc etc etc.

THE SOLUTION

Sometimes it seems like I can either:

a) Try to renew a relationship with S

b) Exterminate her from my life.

OR IS IT?

The problem of how to refer to the appended addendum etc made me think that there aren't only two options. There's always another choice if you look hard enough. In my literary example, I should be able to tell the truth AND make it sound good. I must say I was influenced by Jasper Fforde, Welsh author of The Eyre Affair who I saw tonight at the Powerhouse as part of the Brisbane Writers Festival. He has fun writing, to put it simple. He got 76 rejections on his first novel, and it took ten years to find an agent who believed in his books.

Now his books are snapped up as soon as they are printed. His first went to the NY Times Top Ten Best Sellers in its first week, an amazing event. An inspiration to anyone who wishes to become a writer...never give up.

So how does this affect the solution on Ms S. It would be a mistake to get back together with a girl who has no feelings for me. But then killing all memories after eight years seems like a lesson that I am refusing to learn from. Painful as it may be, I need to associate with her, as long as gabo and cash are not part of it.

Hell, I'm stoned again, I gotta write less when I'm stoned and more when I'm straight.

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