yeah so my sister turns 37 tomorrow, that means that we aren't playing in the backyard, making tracks out of corrugated iron and running pram frames down it in lieu of go karts.  we're both getting old.   i had  the idea yesterday that though i've been in a 7 year relationship, well anyone could do that when they're stoned as being stoned kills yer emotions and emotions are the friction of  a relationship.  what wears them out but also what makes em worth living.  they're the scratch on your cheek that reminds u you're alive.

so in those terms i've been in a relationship about three months. about how long lora and i went out, about twice the whole b disaster *whoa thats right googled her in a trez dull workplace relations investigation about hassled people at the tax office.  i felt better about being an accountant junkie after reading the extracts from the commission's report....

anyway i've stumbled outta bed again, i have these moments (recurring, cyclical, deadly dull) where i say 2 myself "yes s is a sexual person, i remember it, so it's something i'm doing wrong that's killed it." these moments constitute 99% of my life.   they also coincide with the times i am stoned.   then there's that 1 % where i have an epiphany, a little like now, where i realise i'm being screwed figuratively not literally, and it bums me out, and i know i'll forget so i try to write down the experience so maybe weight of memory will build up some force (not kinetic, maybe a kind of potential force??) anyway, weight of memory will push me to act instead of stay. so here's another milligram of weight to add to my force.  measured in NewtonRecalls.  

don't get me wrong. she's beautiful, she's sweet.  but she don't love me. i knew this a long time ago.  living with the knowledge eats me up from the inside, but it propels my continued usage, so maybe there's a hint of selfishness in it all. my shrink told me i was stupid and smart a decade ago.  this was after i was busted on a possession and hadta prove something psychological about my usage to keep me outta jail.  basically, my pares threw enough money at the legal system that all involved were happy to say "we'll pretend justice was served" and went home.  meanwhile my friend matt languishes for 9 years for doing jack coz he didn't throw enough money at the system.

anyway, a coupla grand and the shrink tells me i'm dumb and smart.  very zen, a koa perhaps.   thanks for your effort, dr c. so i know as i persist in a relationship that grows to nothing (through her choice) that i'm being dumb and smart. 

well maybe not that smart.  though my back'll smart in the morn from another night on the couch.