The gabo manifesto. Why do I immortalise those that dies early on under the wheels of gabo and see those who have survived as pathetic? Is that a throwback to the romantic side of using? How messed up is it then that I am still in that mode?
Just got back from in-laws minding 120k north, little place called Ninderry. Had been going a little crazy before I left as I had recently re-met the "nice" Roms (Rumanians). Considering I got away from the whole scene back in April/May 04 due to my anger at then dealer J, I guess I was setting myself up for a relapse as soon as I came across a dealer who came across not totally psychotic. Not that I believe the Roms people are not bad (as I scored on Friday the dealer was just about to drive her daughter to a detox clinic on the Coast. She arranged to pick up the cash from the sale on the way back.) , it's just easier to face them on a daily basis. Anyway, I found myself doing all the old stupid things, hustling, plugging in SIM cards that hadn't been plugged in for months, sending SMS's to contacts I should've deleted from my phone back in May, for example
Leaving phone numbers in phones is a sure sign you haven't really given up. I've "threatened" many times to delete this new Roms phone number but I doubt I would ever go far enough to delete enough of a paper trail so that if I was desperate I could not track it down through just two other numbers. So why do I keep it if I hate it. Right now I haven't used in over 48 hours (big deal!) and don't want to ever again. But I know I have felt much stronger about the "not-using" situation in the recent past and yet I have gone back to it. One day at a time, cliché cliché, is all I can think to give me a modicum of hope.
It's been a while since I've looked forward to adding up the days straight. Starting again. Might try to include some asp routine as u may have noticed I am now doing these daily dirges in asp, but I haven't the skills nor imagination to spruce them up even slightly. Kind of hoping it (XML, ASP, VB, VB.NET, ASP.NET etc etc) will all come together today into some super website but I think less medication is needed before inspiration rises.
And inspiration struck, just minutes later. When you opened this page on your browser,
<%
straight = when - cdate(sober)
response.write "I had been straight " & 3.02879629629751 & " days
"
%>
(See the cool ASP? If you're really bored, click refresh and watch the fractions of a day swing by. Must get round to converting this to a hours and minutes and seconds display....) Oh well nothing last's forever.....I'll start again on the 17th diary entry...