Having a bitch of a time, and I can attribute this 100% to gabo. Of course, it's not the gabo itself, that's just an analgesic that numbs all mental and physical pain, it's my choice to use gabo and my reaction to lack of gabo that causes the bitch of a time.

I am on a semi self destructive bent at the moment. By that I mean that once I've taken a val, I often decide to use, and using for me at the moment involves some high risk behaviour. For instance, at 210am this morning I was driving over the Captain Cook Expressway with a passenger. I noticed schnarbs (cops) in the rear mirror, right behind us. Where had they come from? I mentioned this to my passenger. Let me describe him a little. Pockmarked hands from literally dozens of injection sites.

On his lap were three dozen poppy seedlings. In one pocket, a pipe with Ice traces. In another pocket, a clipseal bag with a gram of Ice. In another pocket, a screwed up piece of paper with a few grams of gabo. At his feet a bucket of lab equipment and plant growth enhancers.

So the schnarbs are there behind us. My car is fairly well known to certain cops. I was arrested in it ten years ago, and it was confiscated for six months. A few weeks ago another cop grabbed me picking up my metro and searched the car, finding using paraphernalia but nothing illegal. All in all, not what you'd call a clean car.

And the schnarbs were still there. Three years ago, 3 months ago, if I'd been utterly stupid enough to get into a car with this kind of shite it would have been for a very short time, for a very good payoff and there would have been a rehearsed plan for dealing with a random schnarb pullover.

What was tonight's payoff? Well, I got a $100 pack of crud gabo on tick (credit) till the next morning. And for that I had to assist the dude for 4 hours, till 2am, with some highly suspect activities. I picked up blood filled syringes (not my blood) and put them in bins. I put my prints all over beakers and pyrex equipment in a cop's wet dream of a lab.

So the next day, today, I have to pay back the tick, coz that's what I do, so I took a whole lot of risk for nothing.

So why did I take these risks? I can only imagine it's a self destructive urge. A desire to end up fucked up, but why? To get pity, to make S say "I should never have left you". But if you have to get fucked up to make a person come back to you, they aren't coming back for love, they are coming back for pity. Not a sound relationship basis. Yet I do it.

I can only hope I am suffering from some temporary insanity induced by loneliness. I can only hope that writing helps me purge it. On the topic of writing, I gave S a finale letter on Saturday night, written when I was as straight as I could be. I gave her a week to respond to it. Two days later I asked her for the front door key back, practicing assertiveness. Obviously she wasn't expecting it, and she's very angry. And as usual when she gets angry, she tells me that I am angry. She dropped off $50 she owed me just before, and refused to meet me. buzzed me after she'd dropped it in the letterbox and had gotten away up to the top entrance.

She used the word anger four times in a short letter. Last time I saw her I told her I loved her in word and writing, and all I did after that was ask for a front door key back....I don't even know this girl's address but she gets pissed that I want my front door key back.

Oi vei. My PC very unhappy, did an XP registry clean without backing up and it ruined all my System Restore points and application startups. Can't VPN into work, not that I could before, but I put it down now to PC screwed. Did Win XP repair but of course that didn't reset my app registry settings, d'oh. At least my PC is legit now! No more Genuine Advantage pish posh.

I hear an old friend reads these pages occasionally. Hey there Mr Q. Life's strange ain't it.