A semi-redundant question I know, but it has not been answered for me, so I ask it again

What is the point?

Nice and vague, i know. The point of what? Life? Well philosophers have grappled with that since we became self aware and apart from knowing that the solution is apparent in the vanishing of the problem (Hegel;?), we know little.

No, I mean the point of gabo. Take my partner. Please.

Today she got paid. Half her net income zips off for rent. For a roof over her head and space to herself, something that she values highly, as she used to have free accom with me, but no privacy. I understand sort of now, her move out.

Anyway, half to rent. We went and scored, paying back some credit from the weekend. That was 150. She now has about sixty bucks left to pay for her other addictions - metro and nicotine.

Basically, at the end of her (pay) day, her achievement for the week was the purchase of two large Garnier hair conditioner and shampoo bottles. So she worked a week in a job with people she does not enjoy the company of much for this.

Twenty years ago I could have walked in to any supermarket and racked those items in minutes. So why work for a week, depress the soul, for nothing other than what turned out to be a crap packet of gear and accommodation.

I am not offering any answers. I am just pointing out that this issue has been raised again for me. Sad that it had to be a crap packet of gabo that sparked it, but at least something did. She's broke now, and I will be just as broke in 48 hours on my payday. Hopefully we will be a little more stoned than we are right now, but there's no guarantee. What we can guarantee is that we will not have saved one cent towards holiday, healthcare, education to improve our job prospects or even basic entertainment.

We have noone to blame but ourselves, and speaking for myself I can say I have had dozens of offers of help from friends and family to try to reverse the situation.

So why have I not acted.

Sometimes I say it's because I love gear, and that's sadly true. When it's good I do enjoy the feeling of separateness it provides. But I do not think it is worth giving up everything in return for short exposure to such a condition. But obviously I do think it is worth that exchange, because I consciously make that choice time and time again.

I guess I could drill down and see why I want to feel separated from everything, analyse the situation as I do so often. And perhaps t stems from emotional failings, inability to cope with any kind of emotion at all.

But when you've only ever been one person it is very hard to tell what is normal emotionally, how much emotion is enough to hurt, how much you should feel given a certain external stimuli.

Fruit for scientific experimentation I guess. Need to invent a unit of emotional action - would emos be too crass?

As in, okay, my cat just dies, that registers seven Emos on the felix scale.

Anyways, as usual I have waxed and drifted off topic. But I know the question was "What's the point of using" and I have no answer. But rationality has little affect upon addictive behaviour I have found, in fact emotion has been my best friend in fighting it.

Once when I was incredibly angry with a dealer who had physically assaulted me, I stopped for four or five weeks. I used the anger against him to cease usage. So emotion trumps logic with gabo. FOr me at least.

I have to remember these things. What's another strong emotion? Lerv I guess.

Hmm...have to work on that one.