so I watch her walk down the driveway one last time. she's black and white and striped like a zebra. Her back is erect and solid, she walks like a model, and all watching her from a Torbreck balcony would be admiring her style. I see the curled up crying broken girl inside. I see the moaning crying girl that no other sees.
Or at least I think I do. Events of the last fortnight have me doubting the validity of everything I feel. She tells me that we have been just friends these last "couple" of years. And by couple I think she means four to five years as it was only a year after we started going out that she stopped touching me. I probably did something stupid all that time ago that I am paying for now. For example, I may have brushed her hand off mine whilst driving because I was nervous and wanting to have my hands free. Maybe that was my last touch of affection.
I climbed into bed stoned the other night. "No touching or hugging" was all she said. Thinking about this statement later I realised that when I was straight and she was coming to bed stoned each night (in late May 04 early June) this was not a statement that I had to make to her. Although she was stoned there was still no risk of her wanting to touch me of her own volition. This was a bad sign. There were many bad signs. I knew years ago that she didn't love me but because I was afraid of being lonely/rejected I accepted the "terrible working conditions". And soldiered on. Of course, as is the way with junk, I just stockpiled the problems, hid them in my emotional closet and now the junk's gone I am flooded with all these old problems I successfully avoided for years.
So she disappears down the street. Not a turned head or anything. I hope for a second that she's hurting inside (as it shows she cares for me) but then I realise that this is a selfish nasty hope and dismiss it.
Earlier, we had talked for five minutes after she realised I was stoned. It's easier for me to talk in this condition but it is a stupid move all round as there are no real positives. It's just me being selfish "Woe is Me" suicidal thoughts stupid. In the talk she says that moving out is a positive sign for the relationship as it means something is changing. I agree that it means something is changing but I do not see it as a positive sign for the relationship. She tells me she is going to a Paddington shop opening and she doesn't know when she will be home.
I apologise for stressing in the past about how long she has been out. I admit it is none of my business anymore and she should stay out as long as she needs and she doesn't have to tell me anything. It's true, theoretically but I know in reality I will have trouble getting to sleep tonight without her next to me, even though most nights it's a silent back to back kind of sleeping together.
Yes it's good she moves out if she can't settle whilst here. Form a scientific and emotionless viewpoint the current situation looks quite reasonable. A relationship faces stress, one partner temporarily relocates to another premise to think things over. Very modern, very rational.
But when she tells you that we've only been friends, then the whole "relationship as a scam" scenario raises its ugly evil head again. The fact that this scenario wasn't squashed on day 1 tells me (once again) that the relationship has never been too healthy. Note to future self. Act on your feelings. My employers at ^%^%^% (I am told) are not nice to their staff. I have seen several instances of staff members being belittled by a Manager but is this a valid reason not to accept a well paying contract? Could I not just stand my ground if I am maltreated and give back as well as I receive? Always remember that I am an independent contractor and can walk at a moment's notice (though I need to prepare for this financially.)
later - 6pm.
I'm sorry I pushed her away when she was stoned and I was straight. That's when I should have held her tighter than ever. That's when I should have listened, let her pour it out. But I just thought of myself and my healing and how important it was for me not to be " infected" again. And I pushed us apart. Two boats on the river and one pushes the other with a pole. Riverbanks covered by fog strong current running and yet I still do something as stupid as pushing her away. Am I cursed to be eternally stupid?
I want to SMS her and tell her I love her but I know stoned sent love declarations are distasteful to the recipient, bound to cause the opposite feeling in them. So I pen this diary, knowing full well it will embarrass the hell outta me in the light of day and post it to the web. She doesn't know my website address, she's not that internet friendly (but she's learning) so I know she will not read this before I self-delete it in recognition of the embarrassment factor. Perhaps this is not the done thing in the bloggers world but I am not a blogger. Just a chancer. I leave it to the fates to get this page to her.