I know that the 19th May is important for some reason, can't figure it out.

Watching Nick Cave videos non stop for a couple of hours now. Why would I do this when I am trying not to use. I have a dealer ten minutes away who'll give me tick against my payday, I haven't burnt that bridge yet.

So I watch hours of stoned Nick monotoning his negative philosophy, well that's harsh, his lyrics are great. Inspired. Spencer Krug-esque.

But it's always a thing that drives me back to a spike in the arm, eh?

So what's the 19th? I was arrested 3rd May 1995 for the first time. Spent a few days in the watchhouse so my dad remembers it as the 5th - when after 2.5 days of detoxing off a grand a day I broke and asked him to bail me out. The first friend who'd turned up with $5000 from my stash was turned away - you have to prove the money's clean. Clean money, what a quaint concept. As if every note of it doesn't stink with every deed ever done in its honour.

So that's the 3rd and the 5th.

The 30th. Hit by a car on May 30 1990. Given pethidine. Once, stopped the pain a bit. And again. For good measure? Perhaps not, I sort of remembering them being freaked by some low blood pressure or something - shock I guess. I was driving around in a friend's Corolla(?) from accident to Zed, Zed to Taringa med centre.

I wonder if they'd stopped at one shot if I'd be a junkie today?

Haha, silly thoughts. The junkie who blames the doc who gave them their first taste. Hell, it was free, that's always a good way to start. Start as you intend to finish.

Smash your dreams tear out your heart blacken your pupils. You get the general drift, thanks Nick.

So that's 3,5 and 30. I think there's a niece's birthday in their somewhere, a million miles and several lifes away. Reincarnate me, build me up, burn me down and reincarnate me again and I may get over there to visit her...

Hell if I work it out I'll let you know.

Note to self. I've triple dosed maybe only double and existence is still ticking by ever so slowly, the valiums don't touch me and the word gear comes unbidden every heartbeat.

So when I next see the doc I shouldn't say "oh yeah reducing to 7.5 was a breeze". Coz it wasn't . But it's better than life at 90, 80, 60, 40, 20 or even ten.


Less is best. Kill him and we'll do the rest.


I missed a text that came in at 8am. I saw it 530pm while waiting to score some street metro. An old customer wanted a grand's worth of gear. So maybe there is meaning, that on the day I try to abstain I don't get the torture of scoring..