Straight from wake to sleep. Extra dose before I went to work. Then saw Ms S at the Night Owl at 820 on the way to work. After that, I had to have my second dose fro the day on the way to work. Then I came home from work and had my third dose.
And all I can think about now is whether I should blow that $300 in my work account on gabo tomorrow. I know (in a junkie frame of mind) that I should organise it now as the good gear gets sorted the night before. But I am trying to be positive, and I guess the metro holds me still a bit, so I don't. But logically I know I will feel worse tomorrow and if I'm thinking of scoring now, it'll be tenfold worse in the morning. Then I'll be left with the slops of scoring.
But I don't. I resist. Maybe it makes me feel a little human, not giving up until I have to. Or maybe I just need to have a little hope to get me through the night. Although logic dictates that I'll feel bad tomorrow, life can change and maybe I'll awake feeling good. I have to hold on to that hope, because if what I thought was going to happen always happened there'd be no point continuing.
I watched Casablanca tonight, amazed at the memes it spawned (..looking at you kid...in all the gin joints....doesn't amount to a hill of beans...I don't plan that far ahead). And in the heroine's eyes (no credits so I don't remember her name) I saw S's eyes. And in the sorry tale of love lost I saw S and I's tale.
Did I mention I saw S this morning on the way to work? She was in her black 70s op shop number. iPod in ears. Into 7-11 to get cigarettes. She must be straight two weeks now. I can't jeopardise that kind of straight stretch. If I love her I must set her free they say. If I love her I cannot have her because to have her would be to have her stoned and to have her stoned would not be the act of one who loves her.
See the bind I am in?
Of course you say, you could give up using, then you could have her and not jeopardise her. But even if I did get straight, there'd always be the risk she and I'd fall back into the fire.