25 minute jog along river to the railway bridge tonight.  what's going on?  4 months ago it would have been a 25 minute jog only if Id run out of petrol and i'd scored but had no sharps - nothing else would've motivated me.   Now I am alone i am finding reasons to motivate myself.  bizarre.  

not much to say, still in the bizarre home situation of living with someone who is over me but who is happy to take advantage of my inability to voice my feelings.  so it goes. karma goes around etc etc, at least she had a few weeks of feeling bad about it. abrupt removal of gabo has that effect on the odd user - rapid immersal into the world of morality causes all sorts of strange behaviour.  But like all behaviours it moderates over time and it's hard to maintain a self-defeating position for a long time, especially when adopting that position has a negative financial effect.  I'm happy she was moral for those few weeks, horrible as they were.  many would never be moral at all.

funerals tomorrow.  non-gabo funerals too!   my life is strange. payday coming up.  urge to score coming up!  defeated self esteem leaves nig holes in my defence against gabo.  c'est la vie.



been lying in bed awake an hour.   this is crazy. the only relationship that truly exists between us is a relationship of me pretending i am loved by her and her accepting my self-deception.   another hour of lying behind a back.  hand on back physically lifted off.  fuck that shit.  I'd put up with it if....well i cannot envisage a situation where i would accept that i cannot touch my partner.  hence, she ain't my partner.  as my friend d said, she wasn't ever going to move out, why should she. If i put up with it I feel like using.   If I demand honesty from her then she goes and that hurts short term but its no real loss coz she was just faking anyway.........there's really no choice hey.

i have just seen a co-worker lose her husband. there was real committment and real pain, but also real love. must strive for that.