Status check.

37 years on earth, exposed to other humans and their behaviours.

And i would say i have less of an idea of what things are about now than I did fifteen years ago. How can that be? Is understanding a
Keatingesque J curve? Do i have to go through this dip of doubt and hollowness to get to the good bit, the self-realisation bit?

Or as I fear does the slope keep on down, into dark dale and leave me staring at a pink concrete floor, learning how to imitate in life the
chemical effect of valium?

In a day or two my father turns 77, maybe 78. I am nearly the age he was when he had me. When I was stamped. BUt I am not nearly at a
point where i could conceive of conception. How could i expose a frail life to me. Kids a re full of questions. And I have no answers to give, just more questions.

I have seventeen things I can say about hats. And the other day I used four of them when at Toowong Village I ran into Ian, well I can't
remember his name though I've known him over a decade. Names elude me, like understanding and satisfaction.

Ian, as I have chosen to label him, wore a hat. I trotted out the "things I know about hats".

1. "You don't see many people wearing hats anymore, but sixty years ago you would have been out of place without one"
2. "..except for baseball caps, they're the modern hat, but they don't garner anything like the respect oldschool hats gained"
3. "hatters went mad because of the mercury used in hat production - hence the mad as a hatter phrase"
4. "is that a trilby?"

Possibly all my social interactions could be laid out in a simple cross referenced booklet. Or on an iPod with a .net app handling the
links. Just generate a topic at random, based upon some element in the local environment, e.g. a hat, and this simple app can give you the
conversation pieces.

Thirty seven years of life has accreted around me seventeen things about hats. I can rest easy now, content that my purpose on earth has
been met.

CM is being buried tomorrow, second overdose I've known of this year, in my wider circle. Dead because his friends took a couple of minutes
too long to notice he was out of the room perhaps. Though I was not there, I can only surmise at the gear change from stoned contentedness
to death-inspired panic that must have occurred. Never a nice gear shift, and the extra frisson of one participant being on parole could not
have helped any.

Tonight I watched 30 Days of Night, for the third time - brilliant film.

"..help me god"

"...no god".

Well I guess that quotes not a lot of good without context, but this is my website, I'll give the context I deem necessary. We're all fascists in our own minds, yes? Democracy is a concept that has no meaning to a person on their own. Like gum trees germinating after fires, democracy only appears when individuals gather. And here, right now, I am alone. CM is alone too tonight, I guess, though he does not know he is alone, which makes it okay?

Too many questions.