It's Over Red Rover

Long days.  As I said before, I last used on Saturday arvo, twice that day.   Twas fine on Sunday but Monday hit hard.  I was seeing ratfaces in the crowd, pain in the sky and despair on the horizon.  Last night I got home and started drinking bourbons and coke, quickly.  Things just slid downhill till I started emailing my pxts from in bed as I couldn't sleep which provoked a s&%fight at 1am and we ended up watching a Sopranos episode taped earlier.  I couldn't get S to look in my direction, which seemed funnier/sadder as the hour progressed.  I got to the stage where I was demanding she look at me before we went to sleep and I got a cold stare from the darkness in acquiescence to my demands.  Cold nights.

I spoke a few garbled words in bed n then just lost it.  Junk sick to the core I couldn't accept that I'd wasted five years of my life in a relationship where we couldn't even look at each other after five years.

(At work today a woman told me she doesn't go shopping with her husband anymore because she does everything wrong.  to him, she cannot even unpack the trolley at the checkout in the "correct" fashion.  Needless to say, this woman believes you should be able to cancel marriages after a certain length of time.  Kind of a no-blame clause for an easy out)

And I tried to muffle the jerky throat cough with the doona then ran to the toilet.  My mind was still junk-withdrawal processing around 44 thoughts a second, so I kept looping on the view of myself as a person manipulating another by crying.  For some reason this thought was uppermost - that I don't let my partner know I am crying because it could be interpreted as a manipulation of their emotions.  It's kind of like a 000 call, no matter how much you are fighting it's considered the coldest thing to do to ignore another's tears.  But I couldn't stop.  Just tripping on waste, tripping on how cold I'd been when L had rung me in 95.  It's taken me until now to realise how she felt.  Now I am in her position, rejection and only a cold front to deal with.  I was brutal and I fear I may have damaged her heart evermore.  But then again, she was strong like S n the heart recovers amazingly so who knows...

Anyway, tears called S, hair stroked, first contact in days.  Coaxed back to bed, smoked a bit of a j, first time in years for me   Maybe it was hydro, maybe it was the junk sickness, but it took my head for a flight.   I saw that me and S had drifted apart, she had a new life with new friends, new interests and I just wasn't a part of that.  I could not bring myself to talk of anything related to her departure but she happily chatted about splitting up our fridge magnet collection like a kid on their first day at school. Therapeutic drug use instead of good old self-punishment.

Anyways, fell asleep around 330 to 4am, up at 830, late for work, feeling v ill still.   Driving along Milton Rd I felt my gorge rising as they say, and pulled into a side street.  Retched over my passenger seat, rolled out of the car and pooled my insides under a palm tree.  Clutched my cold self for a while and watched the cars go by, debated sending S an SMS and did, prob a mistake, gotta learn 2 live alone.  Who will I tell in the future of my vomits under trees?  Anyway S rang, twas good to hear her voice but I realise now that when they don't really care the joy leeches outta the conversation.

So what have I learnt?  Well I guess I fell in love with the girl in stripey socks with dredds and a love for the art-life.  She ain't that girl anymore and probably never was really.  Just my fantasy.  I didn't focus on the important stuff, like her.  I let her spirit drift off and let her replace herself with the modern version of S.  Not that the modern version is a bad thing.  There is no good or bad.  It's just a re-invention of self.

Like I realised a few months ago, she ain't never going to roll over in the night and hug me.  That I cannot live with. Time to move on

"In Oz, the illusion of love is more important than love itself"

later, 10:34pm

Stupid. Used twice.  Pain with S and crying then had access to small cash and boom.  I play stupid, work stupid, live stupid.   Things must change.

I was selfish before, as these events are apt to engender selfishness in one, and asked S what her friends were saying to her about my role in the break-up.

Her mum has said to her "And what has he done to stop you moving out?".

"He can't do anything.   My mind's made up."

Other friends "agree that I (S) need a change."

But this doesn't answer my real question - when my name comes up, does anybody ask if G is happy for the exodus to progress?  Does S then say "No it's killing him and he really wants me to stay."

Nasty dope makes me paranoid, plants image in my head of her moving in with T (21 year old Y worker who watches out for my car driving past(?) and has "helped" S so much over the last few weeks) a few weeks after she leaves here.

There is no clarity on how this ending is progressing.  I want the end soon as this will minimise total pain, though pushing for the end is painful.  But best perhaps as I will keep recycling this use/sick/clean/pain loop until she is out of my life.  I know I should make no decisions whilst stoned.  Though I hardly feel in a better place (to make decisions) when I am straight.  S seems to have made up her mind that we are over quite quickly.  I remember I went to kiss her goodbye before I went to Melbourne last Monday morning and for the first time in ages I pushed for a kiss on the lips.  She couldn't do it.   Luckily I had gabo and was able to medicate within 1/2 hr of this event.

So how long has it been?  If I had pushed for a kiss on the lips three years ago would I have gotten the same response? I think yes, but due to the gabo a) I wouldn't have pushed and b) she wouldn't have admitted the truth that she couldn't kiss me.  It would've been due to a coldsore or just the way she was feeling that day, no way would she have just said she can't kiss me anymore.

So the clock is reset.  I am back to counting sobriety in hours, not weeks or even months, like I was three weeks ago.   I know using is a lose lose deal.  It makes me more pathetic in both her and my eyes, but it is the only relief from the self-punishment I am undergoing. [If anyone out there knows what else I could be doing feel free to email me (see home page links)]   For instance, tonight I was facing sitting alone in bed whilst S is out with this T friend I have never met celebrating his 21st birthday.  Or I could medicate and play on my PC for an hour or two before dropping off to a deep sleep. I know I should be screaming at S about T but I turn the rage inwards and then smother it with dope.  So I can go to bed quietly and fall asleep and not reawaken when she staggers in at 4am..."I won't be long" is her way of telling me she'll be back when she damn well feels like it.

Hope I am more positive tomorrow.