They kept asking me if i was excited at work today.  sometimes three or four times an hour.  i forced smiles, saying "I'm getting there" but it didn't stop em.  they'd just come back 20 minutes later and ask again. 

It's less than 24 hours to go before I'll be sitting on a beach in Fiji, sipping Pina Coladas (I'm told).  But it doesn't seem that exciting.   of course I've been taking a quarter gram a day this last week, which, compared to olden days, is practically nothing, but compared to my intake these last 12 months or so, it's hedonistic.  So I'm not surprised that I feel nothing.  I think that if i watched a newborn babe, my son, be delivered in front of my eyes at the moment I would feel no flicker of emotion.  Gabo's good like that.  If you're not wanting to feel a thing, bring it on.  In times of war, if you have to flamethrow out a few families hiding underground, have a blat, and you'll be able to merrily murder you way up and down the animal kingdom. 

It's not so much a cancellation of your sense of morality, rather a postponing.  As in Newton's interminable law of conservation of energy, so in gabo - you can't get rid of negative emotions, only postpone them.  Of course, gabo attracts the gambling mentality, who hope that they may be able to swing it so they can keep using until they die/OD, thus never having to experience the toxic negative emotional buildup.  BUt like lotto, few die to see this outcome.  Most of us peter out, get arrested, get tired, lose contacts, and eventually we all end up in that place where theer is no ewscape from our minds.  Metro may put it off a couple of years, and make the lotto-win possibility seem that little more possible. 

But it never works out that way.  We all know we've got a truckload of pain awaiting. 

Which helps dampen your sense of excitement at the prospect of a 5 dray Fiji sojourn.