My dad's birthday tomorrow.  Unlike many dads he is a true role model.   Un-opinionated but strong in beliefs.   Quiet but outspoken, gentle but powerful.  If I could be half the man he is when I am his age I think I would be very happy.

Used tonight. Why? Hmm..well I had a lot of exxuses...missed friend's funeral because all workmates went and I had to look after the office...got abused by a member and had to take it because I repeated obfuscations to him yesterday at my boss' urging...Day Two off valium...no car and got 25 kilos of mail I had to lug back  to the office by myself...slept on couch after having hand removed from her back in middle of the night. Junkies are great at excuses, so I am a little scared as I see myself list them off, easy as pie.   Am I returning to that self-justifying way-of-life?  I hope not.  How can I be taking a 25 minute run one night and spiking my forearm the next?

Girl troubles I think really.  So confused over the state of affairs that gabo gives me time off.  On one hand I have her telling me (via SMS/email only) that she loves me, on the other I am not allowed to touch her.  Just touch, which I am realising as I age, is so important to me.  Somehow she thrives without it, for whatever reason.  So I think well it's just me she doesn't need to touch.  Back turned to fall asleep she is not bothered if I am not near her.  Me animal like needs her warmth and re-assurance or I jitter in my sleep.   Focussing on my breathing the only way to fall asleep.  FOcus is a funny thing.

I have to focus on the muscles I am exercising in the gym to make them build up faster.   I have to focus on work issues to get the main jobs done whilst a hundred minor jobs clamour for my attention.  I have to focus on staying straight every minute of every day.  In VB programming some forms "take focus" - become dominant - S has gone to a boys house for a couple of nights when I thought she was going to her sisters...then last night I find out she is maybe going to her sisters maybe on Sunday...i have to focus on not getting angry/jealous.  I am told said boy is gay and i have to focus on trust but if trust is wanted why did the whole boy thing only come out in the last few hours we had together?  OK for S to get angry at me for going to a married female co-workers house to do PC repairs for the husband but I must be "groovy" over this issue.

So a spike in my vein and all is OK, but it's not really anymore.  I know gabo only works in excess.  When you live it.  When it dominates your psyche and you are no longer yourself but a small foetally curled damaged unit somewhere lost in your mind. Then it's doing its job.   Occasional blats just mess up the psychic landscape, as they say.  All or none, what ho old man.