Long days, tough nights.
First day of conversion, using PHX. First up boss SG is harassing TSW, who we've just left, for not running START. She verbally berates them for not doing something they didn't know they were meant to do. I explain to her before she rings them that they will be surprised when she asks them to run START, as running START is not something you usually do for a CU that has just left you.
It ends up with me licking arse in a "let's calm things down" phone conference with Mick and Michelle. Totally unnecessary on Day One of PHX. Of course later on that day she is using FCS to run statements and calculate payout figures.
Anyways, I was coming home to have dinner with S, twas her birthday yesterday. JFrog rang me late arvo, I shopped for him, he gave me 40% on tick. A nice shot, took the edge off the 48 hour creeping sickness. S came in, sat down, came over to me after a minute and said "are you stoned". I replied in the affirmative.
"Where's mine?" she replied. A reply that had become a refrain over the years. She had no money. She told me last week we were definitely broken up. She spent the day at the beach yesterday with a young twat called Matt. Last Friday I paid for her fabric at work, $100. I also gave her around $400 worth of gabo that Friday and Saturday.
I told her there was none. That I had scored for a friend who gave me some. S said that I should have kept her half of what I got. I said I hadn't, that I didn't think I had such an obligation anymore. I didn't add "because you said we're broken up".
She stormed out. I dropped her some of the lasagne with a candle and card when it was ready, an hour later. She refused to come out and talk to me. I had thought she'd be with Matt, but maybe it was past his bedtime, it was 930 by then (drum roll, bada boom!)
Pretty much every week it's been like this. The week before she'd been to a wake of "a really good friend" Jeremy. Who she'd never mentioned to me before. She got so sick from drinking at the wake she needed me to buy her a $100 shot, then another.
This is a girl who couldn't show me affection. Who couldn't nurture. Who took no interest in my goals, who wouldn't walk down the shop to get some dinner the night I got out of hospital because she didn't think I was as ill as I was saying.
I wonder at times like this why I am fighting to return such a person to my life. To re enter the zone where I care and support her in the hope of a scrap of affection being thrown from the table.
And I wonder why I asked her to Nepal. Why I argued her into going when another girl had asked to come with me. A girl who is political, beautiful, and would, to put it bluntly, fuck like a rabbit whilst there.
S keeps saying she's over herself. Perhaps I am starting to see why she thinks this of herself. She is intelligent so she must know she is selling herself bit by bit.
Jfrog came over for dinner. It was cool. We had shots of bourbon and he kept telling me about the wonders of other women. He pushed RSVP, a dating service. I think I am too old fashioned for that. Funny a junkie who's been to Laos being afraid of a dating service.
I appreciate friends like J. I tell him, I thank him for his wisdom. S tells me I didn't appreciate her. Maybe because she did not give anything to be appreciated?
btw, listening to Mazzy Star, helping me keep the sanity under control.