'Wake the fuck up!"
'I'm not asleep, I am awake."
"No you're not, you're a-fucking-sleep'
'Why am I asleep?'
'Because I cannot talk to you, because you're not here. Because you're a fucking sleep.'
These last six months, I swear, I'm going mental. Everywhere I hear 'Wake Up'. And i just came from 'The Departed' with di Caprio. Right in the middle, Nicholson says to Leornardo 'When are you going to wake up.'
Just like that. Bam, smacked me upside of the head, he may as well have. Coz I hear it everywhere. Bailter Space - first track off Tanker - 'When are you going to wake up', they say it as I type these very words.
Vanilla Sky. Constantly. Wake Up.
'Open your eyes'. It's in the name of the fucking movie they remade Vanilla Sky from. Man is asleep in a cryogenic facility, dreaming virtual dreams, thinking he's living real life. But every now and then he hears in the back ground 'Wake up'
A message to yourself to focus. Snap into reality. Look at what's important.
I banter with S, we verge on waking up perhaps sometimes, but tonight, nothing. She's slipped further away from me in the 5 days since I last saw her. I can get through to her more when we're both stoned. That knocks down the walls of sleepiness nicely. Paradoxical. A sleep inducing drug used to wake up.
I swear I am losing it here. I hope it's just old age sidling up to my brain stem, triggering primaeval messages to Focus The Fuck ON Why You're Here.
Twenty years skagging it'll be soon. Every day spent zoned out. Processing days like fucking grist.Pushing time in one eye and out my ass coz I am synched into the whole 'get my next paycheque'. It's Wednesday night and I know that means only one full day to get through till payday. And payday is not significant other than the fact it enables dope scoring.
And I say now that I won't use on payday. So why am i counting the hours to payday. I'venothing else to spend the money on. And I'm feeling a little junksick from the weekend spike in gabo and metro usage. Everything quadruples for two days, then I spend the next 5 days sliding into the pit. I don't even begin to recover before I'm back at Friday and quadruple rates.
I'm an accountant. I like to keep track of shit, like how far my body is from sickness. How long till I can genuinely say I am getting better.
But when that doesn't happen any more, when all your time is spent feeling shitful or deeling stoned, can you wonder that I start hearing "wake up" all day? I guess it's just my mind filtering out all the unimportant shit and focussing on what's required.
And part of me knows things are so bad that i should
fuck love
fuck family
fuck mortgages
and just wake up, slap myself upside the face and start getting on with getting on, instead of just getting on every Friday.
Paradoxes.
'Ring me if you need to ' she finishes, just before I drive off.
If you need to. What the fuck. Guarantee that I won't fucking ring with that line. And she knows it. So I give it back to her word for word and drive off.
I meant to ask if she wanted to come to Nepal in January. I didn't.