And what am I doing today?

Been into work for a couple of hours to get some Data Action dox finished while it was quiet.  S climbed Story Bridge with her mum, left at 8am.

Now I sit at home wishing for S to return coz I miss it when she's not here.  Then I think, well, she's moving out in a couple of weeks.  I'm going to have to get used to missing her.

Is that possible?  Adapt to the unadaptable?

Anyway, I spoke before with an old friend of S's, and someone I used to be allowed to meet before S enforced her "G cannot meet any of my friends ever again" policy ruthlessly.  She pointed out that if S only comes back because I can give her gear, then she ain't worth having come back.

I knew this intellectually, but I don't know if I'll know it emotionally.  I am afraid that if I don't enforce my own ruthless policy of totally deleting her from my life and memories then she'll be a girl who knows she can get a hundred bucks outta me every Friday just by ringing me.  She'll know that as I am in love with her I will grovel to have her company.  And she'll bre prepared to sell her self respect for that $100 of gear.

The not-so-pretty side of addiction and the multitudinous forms of prostitution it spawns.  Otherwise known as "you don't have to suck a schlong to sell your ass".

Aah, I sit here.  Scored last night against my will, which has created the "score again on Saturday" syndrome.  So I sit here, mind bouncing from valium to alcohol to gear, none of these available atm except the ugly sister, alcohol.  And I don't think I am that sad yet.  Or I am, but I know it won't help the way I want it to help.

Saw S's mum for the last time this morn as she bustled out the door to climb the bridge with her daughter.  I don't think she knew it was the last time she was ever to see me, or maybe I just hope she didn't, coz she was cheery and breezy (not unlike S's current approach to her departure.)

Fugg this.  I think I'll wander West End till I find a dealer.  Loser talk but at least it's a plan.  Either that or debug my first Windows Service, FaxWatch.  It monitors a folder on a PC and makes backup copies of all files added.

Choices choices.