And what am I doing today?
Been into work for a couple of hours to get some Data Action dox finished while it was quiet. S climbed Story Bridge with her mum, left at 8am.
Now I sit at home wishing for S to return coz I miss it when she's not here. Then I think, well, she's moving out in a couple of weeks. I'm going to have to get used to missing her.
Is that possible? Adapt to the unadaptable?
Anyway, I spoke before with an old friend of S's, and someone I used to be allowed to meet before S enforced her "G cannot meet any of my friends ever again" policy ruthlessly. She pointed out that if S only comes back because I can give her gear, then she ain't worth having come back.
I knew this intellectually, but I don't know if I'll know it emotionally. I am afraid that if I don't enforce my own ruthless policy of totally deleting her from my life and memories then she'll be a girl who knows she can get a hundred bucks outta me every Friday just by ringing me. She'll know that as I am in love with her I will grovel to have her company. And she'll bre prepared to sell her self respect for that $100 of gear.
The not-so-pretty side of addiction and the multitudinous forms of prostitution it spawns. Otherwise known as "you don't have to suck a schlong to sell your ass".
Aah, I sit here. Scored last night against my will, which has created the "score again on Saturday" syndrome. So I sit here, mind bouncing from valium to alcohol to gear, none of these available atm except the ugly sister, alcohol. And I don't think I am that sad yet. Or I am, but I know it won't help the way I want it to help.
Saw S's mum for the last time this morn as she bustled out the door to climb the bridge with her daughter. I don't think she knew it was the last time she was ever to see me, or maybe I just hope she didn't, coz she was cheery and breezy (not unlike S's current approach to her departure.)
Fugg this. I think I'll wander West End till I find a dealer. Loser talk but at least it's a plan. Either that or debug my first Windows Service, FaxWatch. It monitors a folder on a PC and makes backup copies of all files added.