depression subsides, tidal forces pulling it back, to be replaced with....what is it? mood swings? unbearably happy whilst making dinner despite S fighting over cashola, now as I prepare to go to bed I am gripped by lethargic despair again. The ratfaces, as I call them, that is the way everyone's face turns to rattiness as I withdraw from gabo, has stopped. This is a blessing. And the man in the 7-11 near work gave me credit on a $1.80 Turkish Delight, so there is a little humanity out there. Though he does have competition in the form of a "99 Express" having moved in next to him, so maybe he is just trying to keep his customer base. He was probably a physicist in Pakistan and now he gives tick to junkies to keep his kids fed....
Shouldn't be so negative. We both were junkies for over a decade and we dealt with our problems by sticking needles in our arms. Now, for better or for worse, we don't want to do that anymore so we have to find new ways of dealing with our problems. S yells at me and the world, I internalise everything. It's not a perfect solution, we need to fine tune it a bit to make us work.
I generated this little mantra on the way back from a trip to the Night Owl to get coconut milk. I whispered it hurriedly to S upon my return, usually I never hav ethe guts to vocalise these mantras but I thought fuck it. I love her and don't want to lose her so why not do all I can to try to mend things whilst the ratfaces are gone? I know not if it did any good but I said it so there.
I am typing the dark here contrast down but S annoyed door slid closed just then isi t all worth it should I just start afresh what does my heart say why can i not hear it tv tells me that i should be able to hear it as easily as a noisy neighbour but mine is silent, keeping its own counsel matt damon floods the telly pushing his new movie down to earth guy hippy mum jokes about winona sorrow sadness gotta go, when will i get the nerve to step off verandah bad thoughts go to sleep.