aaah a week clean.  again.  and again and again and again.   positive in the head.  bourbon and coke last night.  emailed my web hostie this arvo and they have switched on ASP for this site, so it wasn't me being crazy.  The 25 July 2004 page now shows u the date and time.   The beginning of something beautiful.  Don't know where to go with the S unit.   want to offer her a return in 6 months and the offer of a contractual arrangement between us, if u know what i mean. (prob not).  all i have to lose is some more self esteem, and i guess it isn't really a loss of self esteem if i get rejected, just a growth of sadness in the heart.

talking of contracts, i signed a 6 monther with work tonight, at least i have an income, and a good one for the first (legitimate) time.  they gave me a bag of flour and a dusty blanket also...not sure what that was for.

want to bust outta this chrysalis, start busting caps in asses etc.  high energy at night, low energy in the morning.  the methadone metronome.

s unit agreed to a driving lesson tonight - now i know it is really over when she agrees to let me teach her to drive.  i know she couldn't have let me done this a year ago, as i tried regularly/occasionally to teach her.   so her agreeing now either means a) she has grown emotionally or b) i am not important to her any longer so she may as well get what she can from me.  

that's the amazing thing about consciousness. it's non-communicable in an ultimate sense so you are always trying to guess another's state of mind.  a relationship is like a relaxation of the guesswork and at the same time a heightening of the effort needed to interpret.

confused.  need to eat dinner.