Taking pride in what you do.
Meeting your nephew for the first time.
Fixing Sim's girlfriend's de facto's PC, not wanting to charge because it doesn't feel like work, shooting the breeze whilst a PC follows some instructions you fed into it.
Giving your ex $40 cash then $20, then a $50 shot for free then another $100 shot for free because it means she will spend some time with you.
Parked in a rear carpark outside a small office being used for a makeshift smack lab with an armed robber and his drug reformed mate while you wait for the stoned chemist to run the latest batch down to you.
Shooting it up with vinegar to neutralise the pH and break the gear down. Wondering if perhaps you're so bitter at the moment because of all the vinegar you've injected. Or perhaps it's because of the way things finished with her. Or did they finish; she tells you that her mum "says only good things about you" and you respond "Well I'll never see her again, so who cares", she replies "You might see her again..." in a way that suggests equally likely that there is hope for you and her, or that you may run in to her if you're ever visiting Mt Tambourine.
Seeing your nephew for the first time and realising that the world of kids is light years in front of you. Knowing that the world of being a normal human is light years in front of you, and the kids world light years in front of that.
Trying not to be overwhelmed by everything that you can't do, because that only makes you use and that makes things harder to do.
Realising that at 35 you can't spend all night in rear carparks waiting for messy chemists to get their act together and Rapunzel like throw down their "fresh off the production line" product out of the window down to you.
Realising that you need to make some big changes to bring her back. And that she has to make some big changes to come back to you. And you don't have any control over those big changes she has to make. So you could make all those big changes, just to realise that you are ahead of her so far that you don't want her any more.
Just thinking the above makes you feel sick because you don't want to be in a world without her, or her possibility.
Life and stuff.
GF and other disasters.
********** sleep, later ***********
In death, more importantly suicide, all that is left is the detail. Not why did they kill themselves but how. The mechanism for life removal seems of more importance in conversation than the idea. Perhaps it's just the shock of hearing of someone's death, or the taboo that is placed over conversing on reasons for self termination. Or maybe we just know that suicide is just unfathomable always so there is no point asking why. Perhaps more is said by the way a person chooses to go than the fact they chose to go?