Did I mention, Dear Bleeder, that I cried in front of colleagues on Monday? A little too much gabo over the weekend left me in a weakened state, and touched off by a parting quarter (the last shot of an eightball is always the saddest) Monday morning at 5am, I went to work in an emotional state. It didn't help, seeing who I thought was Ms S in the car in front of me at the BSHS lights, having fun with her friend and flatmate, who I've never met..(Oh does that tell me something about our relationship, that I never met any of her friends, that I never was allowed to ring or visit her work, that there was a wall between her friends and me?)
Anyway, rant later. I got involved in a discussion at work about some software I'm implementing, and this usually intransigent worker was as usually intransigent and I found myself penned in by 2 loans officers snapping away asking me how to do this then that then this and that this wasn't good enough. I snapped, in my own little way, and held up my hand and "SHOOSH!" to the nice loans manager, not the intransigent one.
She got upset, had to walk out, I started saying sorry, kept on with Ms Intransigent, started feeling tears welling up, tried to work on, started feeling tears roll down face, left, got outta there, went for 45 minute walk around block.
Gabo is affecting my work. Didn't stop me scoring last night or today though, hey?
I don't know what to think about S, to give her space and understanding for wanting to get clean, or to be angry that when I wanted that she had no time for my health, she just was pissed that I wouldn't score for her.
FUck, it's so obvious the girl feels nothing for me, but I so want to hold on to an unlivable and unproven pretense of romance that wasn't.
FUCK. I will get paid a chunk cash again on Friday and get another chunka gear and go through all this again, FUCK.
I just drove 90 kilometres to pick up a bottle of metro, 4 days doses for me, in the rain on the Bruce highway. At least sickness won't assail me before Friday night, so I can't use that as an excuse to use.