Well I guess she wasn't lying to me. A lot of people in relationships get hurt by their partners lying to them. S hasn't done that. She has said for years that she didn't trust me, mainly due to the gabo days when she dreaded me going to work with a pocketfull of packets. She always believed I would sneak in extra shots during the day. I'd always be having "one more" than her. If she'd had 5 $100 shots that day she'd let me know she "knew" I'd had six. It got to the point where it became a , how do you say, self-fulfilling prophecy. I would occasionally have an extra one as I knew she would say I had anyway. I guess that was an endpoint in our relationship.
She's been pissed off all day, or afternoon. Went in to her new job and they told her she wasn't needed today, just tomorrow at 8am. In an SMS she said she didn't want to talk anymore she was so angry. And then when I rang her after 5 to say I was on my way home she tells me she'd only be a few more hours. I know she is saying this out loud so she can let her friends nearby know she isn't controlled by me. And i know she says it so she can tell herself she is separate from me. But hell. I just went through a month of that whole her coming home at 7pm to go out 20 minutes later, or coming home at 10pm. And it wasn't helped by me returning to using when I got depressed by her behaviour. That was my choice of reaction to her behaviour. So a vicious circle began where she stayed even further and longer away from me and I fell deeper and deeper into despair etc etc. As the mind does, mine recovered and I got to a stage where I felt she was feeding off my sorrow and I refused to feel hurt by her rejection any more. This helps a little now, as she has shown no affection/softness except the briefest spurts these last three four years. A couple of nights ago she got shitty in the night for me resting my hand on her shoulder. She tried all the no verbal "f offs that she knew but i forced her to say what she wanted. "Don't touch me". Forcing communication is painful but there are no other options when you are living with a "silent partner". Especially one who operates believing everyone around her fully understands all her motivations and thoughts, so she doesn't have to express them. "So-and-so knows I don't want him helping me", or "I don't care. So and so should have known...". I have tried to explain this fault before, but like most manufacturers of software (hey! I know she aint software, it's just an analogy) she refuses to believe thre could be any fault with the end product (herself). So she stays at this evolutional cul-de-sac. I guess i have to learn to pick such dead-thinking early on in a potential relationship. Why waste time?
Ay there's the rub. When she wants to hurt me, ie when i am stoned, she will resort to hurtful honesty "I don't feel loved by you". And I try to analyse the statement, try to work out if I could be projecting an unloving exterior. Then I use commonsense and look at my actions and her actions this last 4 years. This is a girl who hasn't kissed, reached out or touched me this century. Why would I even consider that she may love me? Because she dwells here rent free all expenses paid? Because she gets to spend her entire income on shite? Does any of her actions show me as a loved being? No.
Like I said at least she was honest. If she had been bonking me I would not be feeling too good to find out she was just faking it to get the free gabo. No, she wore her heart on her sleeve, and I was naive enough to not question her too harshly, to be put off by the reverse argument "You don't love me!"; instead of pursuing the whole "who loves who" argument. It can't have been too hard for her when she was stoned, but now some decent part of her has kicked in and she feels honour bound to no longer screw me?
Cynical. A show of true love could turn these arguments into dust. And I would love to see such a show, but I know it isn't coming. hope i feel better after dinner. too much sugar maybe.
(Later..920pmish, listening Eminem) so I just finished Rudy Rucker's new book, "Frek and the Elixir" an hour ago. my car was in at the mechanic, new clutch, rose thingys, suspension, struts etc, and i found a taxi driver asking me about the book in my hand. The book with a picture of a traditional flying saucer on the front. That cover puts ideas in peoples heads. "Don't judge a book by its cover" so the saying goes, and what do people do? In the most literal interpretation of the cliche, people judge this book by its cover. I found myself trying to explain the book as a parallel of Lewis Carroll's "Alice in Wonderland" inasmuch as its a math guru writing it and in that it deals with the fantastic.
Big mistake. I always mistake long dumb-ass taxi-driver pauses for thoughtful pauses. Our conversation never really progressed past the "So how does Lewis Carroll come into the book?" I just cringed inwardly, for the 4,312,835 time in my life and prayed for a swift end to my journey. What a waste of time. As in time that is my life. What a waste. Every minute needs to be precious, jewelled and facetted, but no. I piss it all away wanting not to be. 14 years of it in an opiated daze with no memories free of the emotion-removing filter of junk. My memories may as well be out-takes on the cutting floor of a straight-to-video sequel, for all the empathy they impart/induce. S home now. Talk about how she fights with the S2 unit re moving in with her. "I'll end up in a share house" she says. And I say nothing, so she gets up and goes to the shop :And I know you don't want to talk about this...."
Duh. I don't want to acknowledge its existence. Don't want to admit u have no love for me. Every reminder that you are leaving is a reminder u never loved me. gee i feel so much better now.
(Meanwhile in S world..."What more proof do I need that he doesn't love me? He gives me a new toothbrush, and then I find he is using it a month later! If he loved me, would he forget that he gave me a toothbrush? I think not!"