Last day of month. Last day of another period. This month was meant to be the sixth anniversary of our relationship (S and I) but it passed unnoticed again like a great-grandmother's grave. Speaking to S3 today she asked me why I supported S if our relationship was, in S's words, over. I am sick of telling people I do it out of stupidity, I know this is not why I do it, I do it from a misguided sense of duty. As D told me, I am naive in my relationships. Tonight she sleeps down the road with a boy called Shane, today she got paid her dole and I don't bother to ask for money for rent, food, bills etc.
Had all those arguments before, we had a six week period of honesty when she stopped gabo for six weeks. Now we're back to spineless reliance and dependence but hey. Spent $260 on gabo today and i feel straight as a die. What a waste. Am I just punishing S for my own failings re gabo? If she was in love with me (as distinct from loving me) would I not feel it?. Would she not place a hand on my shoulder or back more often than just when I am reduced to tears. Would she still scream at me for funds and would she not endeavour to contribute to the cost of living? Would she sleepover with the Shanes of the world knowing how much it hurts me?
Gotta go score. Dealer rang needs beans up front. Hope this lot is better than the halfweight i got for lunch that left me feeling straight. Oh for the love of Mike this gabo shit is shit. Give me a farm, a pile of wood and an axe to chop it with. Simplicity is under-rated. Ferk mobile phones PDAs and laptops. I think S would shine in such a situation. How many people lead unfulfilled lives due to circumstances, and can u blame then for not reaching their potential coz of their surroundings? For every basketball star breaking outta the ghetto there are 10,000 rotting away dealing crack and h to their brothers. Brisberg is the same, we rot in cells of our own making. Enough cheeriness. Oblivion awaits.
Tomorrow i pay for the sins of today.